Personal Reflections

One of my more recent interactions gave me a chance to reflect on my high school days.  Here are some thoughts, and snipets of that interaction.   

you knew me in high school.  having moved on (and grown up, a little), i really hate the person i was in high school.  and i hate the person I felt like, then.   i accepted the Lord my sophomore year of hs, but really was building from ground zero.  i describe my faith journey in hs, as catch up.  i was learning what the bible says, and most of the things you probably learned in sunday school when you were five.  every single thing i learned about God was a whole new way of thinking.  my family life was so dysfunctional, that i had completely detached myself from my family and relied solely on peer relationships for my value, significance and love.  God was changing that, but my whole world was built around the security i could find in building a social status.  it's not uncommon for hs, i know.  but i've learned that my biggest struggle, to this day, is feeling confident in my worth and value to people (not to God).

with that said, when i look back on hs, even with all of my mistakes, immaturity and obsession with social acceptance, i feel at peace with my friendships and relationships.  i feel proud of the woman i'm becoming, and the sanctifying work Christ continues to do in my life and heart.  i even feel occasionally encouraged about my family relationships, the healing and self-understanding i've experienced, and the way God is using me there.  but for whatever reason, and i really can't tell you why...i feel sad, or hurt, or confused as it relates to you.  i don't understand it, but i'm hoping that humbling myself to share my heart with you, will bring about needed change there.

I feel like a much different person than I was in high school.  I'm sure we all do, or I hope we all do.  In my case, I feel like I totally remade myself in college.  When I left high school, I also left the preconceived notions that others had about me.  People treated me different in college, and I think for the first time, I felt the freedom to be who I really was, with out having to be who everyone thought I was.  


I had always thought of myself as an extroverted socialite.  Ditsy, flirty and honestly, dumb.  Although I got good grades, I felt like people expected me to be stupid.  They expected me to look pretty and sound dumb.  I fit that part well.  


My new friends in college weren't waiting for me to say something stupid.  And surprise, surprise....I stopped saying stupid things.  I started realizing that though I enjoy people, I actually thrive in one-on-one situations, not large groups.  Inside I'm reserved.  I'm sorta boring.  I'm definitely nerdy.  I spend most of my nights doing Sudoku puzzles on my Kindle.  :)   And I'm okay with that.  (I have Josh to keep me interesting)


I do still feel like I'm on a journey to "find out" who I really am.  I've felt largely misunderstood by the people closest to me, most of my life.  But I like who I am now.  I know God loves me and has created me as a reflection of a part of himself.  


It's still a battle for me to not feel undervalued, like people think I'm stupid and I don't have worthwhile things to say.  But I'm also learning how to take that need to the Lord and allow Him to speak into it.


I'm thankful for opportunities to delve into my past.   What changes have you made in yourself since high school?