Am I an adult? (cause I sure don't feel like one)

For some time now, life has been so difficult, I've barely been able to focus on more than emotionally handling my roles as a wife and mother. Lately as I look at other areas of my life, I can't help but feel discouraged. I look at my house. It's perpetually a mess, and not just the “you've got two kids” kind of mess. I look at my kitchen. Dishes aren't washed, fridge is full of gross molding food and dinner is far too often pulled out of a bag or the hand of the delivery boy. I resorted to wearing a bikini bottom a couple weeks ago, because of a laundry shortage. Clothes cover the floor in my room. In fact, there isn't a single room in my house, that looks the way I want it to. I guess I'm just talking “domestic” areas here. I'll take it as a good sign in my relationships, that I have the capacity to look at other parts of life now. Granted, these are largely areas I consider far less important (than my relationship with the Lord and others), but they matter none-the-less.

So. I've been asking myself. Why can't I, a reasonably mature, organized, and responsible human, get a grasp on this area of my life. I think I've found an answer. Here it is:

1. I don't want to do those things.
2. I don't think I should have to.

When did I become an adult? Was it when I got married (age 20)? Was it when I graduated college (age 21)? Was it when we bought a house (age 23)? Was it when I had my first kid (age 25)? How about my second kid (age 27)? All of these milestones have come and gone for me. By all practical, legal and any other purposes, I am an adult. Why don't I feel like one?

Growing up, I was spoiled rotten. I didn't feel an obligation to be a productive part of the household. I felt like a child, who should be served. And I got most things I wanted. I do remember efforts to get me to do chores. I don't remember those efforts being successful. By the time I was in high school, my life revolved around friends and sports, leaving very little time for household responsibilities. My father, a college athlete himself, advocated my irresponsibility for athletic gains.

My mom cooked 4 different meals every night. My sister is a vegetarian, my dad didn't eat wheat, I ate essentially only meat and breads/pastas, and then there was what she wanted. My dad drove me to school, because I didn't want to ride the bus. Or ride with my sister (god forbid). Or ride with my mom, who taught at the school. Three different vehicles going to the same place. And I got McDonald's on my way to school every morning.

I had a credit card in my parents name until the day I got married. I didn't have to pay for any of my college (although I did earn a full-tuition scholarship). You get the idea. I was spoiled.

Here I am, a 28 year old, married, mother of two. I still feel like a 17 year old kid. I'm still waiting for someone to come cook me dinner, buy my groceries, do my laundry and clean my house. I don't blame my parents. They gave me the best environment they knew how. In fact, I'd say they did each of those things out of love. But now I'm on a quest for adulthood. For the first time, I'm trying to embrace it, both as an idea and way of life. I want to feel like I'm in charge of my life, not being dominated by it.

This isn't a commentary on roles within the home. It isn't a quest for cooking and cleaning strategies (although I'm open to, and appreciate those). It's a prayer and a choice to feel and believe that I'm one of two adults in our little family, and that means certain responsibilities fall to me. I'm hoping that inviting these thoughts to my repertoire of reflections, will bring needed change to my heart, mind and household! Ask me how I'm doing with this later.