Call It What It Is

Each of us has certain tendencies. You could call it a predisposition. You could call it a learned behavior. Seems like it's usually a combination of both.

Sometimes we have perfect awareness of our tendencies. Sometimes we're blind. Sometimes we avoid acknowledging the obvious. Or maybe we range through the whole spectrum at various points.

One of my less-than-flattering tendencies has been rearing its ugly head lately. I say 'lately' but I think it's safe to say that it's been there a LONG time and I'm just taking notice of it. In fact, many might think it's normal behavior, in and out of the Church.

I'm talking about gossip.

I really hate that word. I hate saying it in relation to myself. I can think of a million reasons why my tendency to need to acquire or share information is necessary and even productive. Really, it's a part of my genes. I've got a curious nature. What's wrong with that!? Generally, all of my information gathering and sharing is good-natured. I'm, typically, not malicious.

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, or slaves to much wine.” Titus 2:3

As I read the Bible, over and over I see an admonition to “older” women to avoid gossip and drunkenness. It's like, through the ages, though much has changed, we women, as we age, if left unchecked will likely find ourselves as luscious busy-bodies, sitting around a table of girls with a bottle of wine and lots of people to talk about.

Hear in lies the problem.

I want to be a woman of character. I want to be trustworthy. And most importantly, as I delve deeper into what I'm finding the heart of the gossip issue to be, I want to find my value and worth in the Lord.

As I've been finding this issue on the forefront of my mind and heart, I've discovered some pretty disturbing things about myself.

First of all, my words are typically kind-hearted and well-intentioned. However, my heart and thoughts have a never ending capacity for wickedness. Things I would NEVER let slip out of my mouth, cloud my mind and muddy my heart. Sometimes hateful things. More often selfish and self-promoting things.

I try to be in the practice of living authentically among my friends. I typically don't lie. I'm honest with my faults and struggles, and so are they. Our church does some things poorly, but one thing we do well is community. It's a beautiful thing and I can't tell you how blessed I am with some deeper friendships than I knew was possible.

All that to say, I'm in the habit of open sharing, both with the Lord and with those closest to me.

Every now and then I'll have a moment with the Lord where I say something, in prayer or in writing, that is revolting. And then I'll realize that that ugly nugget just came straight out of my ugly heart, from whence my words flow.

I KNOW that my mouth is capable of spewing evil. And even when I'm mature enough to filter my words through grace and wisdom, my heart exposes me still.

(This is getting long. Sorry. I'm really going somewhere with this, I promise.)

Here's what gossip looks like in my life right now. I hang out with people. Generally, you, my friends, who have taken the time to read this far. :) I ask about your life. I listen and hopefully care for your heart in connecting with what's going on with you. That's authentic, albeit probably learned. But then I ask you how so-and-so is doing. And we engage in a long conversation about them, including my opinions on the situation...and maybe a few tidbits of information I can add to the equation. You'll hear me say, “I really shouldn't say this, but...”. It's not that bad. And it's usually regarding people I genuinely love and care for.

But I'm gaining awareness about what's going on in my heart.

1. I'm gaining significance by feeling informed about other people. I must be pretty important to know so much about others. People must really like me to keep me informed.
2. I'm proving how important I am by having information you don't have. I knew that and you didn't. I matter, and dare I say, more than you.
3. I'm gauging my standing in our community, relationally speaking, based on what I know. You must be closer to that person than I am, if they told you that before me. I must not be “included” in that circle if I'm not (or am) involved in those conversations.
4. I'm making sure my opinion is heard. Listen to me. I'm so wise.
5. I'm inwardly self-promoting or self-degrading. You're doing better than me at that. My kid is smarter than yours. The list goes on and on.
   
   
   And in all of these things, I'm making ME the star of every story...or sometimes the victim.
   This is the ugly truth as I've been discovering over the past several months, and really years. And I KNOW God wants so much more for me than that.
   
   
   God wants my value and significance to be wrapped up in Him. He wants me to know I am loved, solely because He loves. I want to be in a place where I can lay aside the need to feel valued by my standing among friends or my grossly over-indulged sense of wisdom. I want to be a woman who rests so securely in the love of my Lord that I don't need to speculate about the worth He's already given me.
   
   
   God wants my conversations with others to bring life to them, and glory to Him. The next verse in Titus 2 that I mentioned above (older women don't be gossips and addicted to wine) says, “They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” THIS this what my conversations should look like. They should be good. Giving an example of what loving a husband and kids, however imperfectly, looks like. They should be self-controlled. Pure (free from blemish). Hard working (man, I struggle here). Kind. And showing example of Godly order among our family, Christ as head, Josh and I submitted to one another in love.
   
   
   God wants to transform my wicked heart into one that more accurately reflects His, each day. He calls it Sanctification. I know Him. I love Him. But I am so incredibly far from Him. And it's such a beautiful paradox that, as I attempt to continually draw nearer to Him, I find myself farther and farther away. That sounds bad, but it's really not. Because I've stopped being the star of the story. My wickedness isn't on the stage anymore. It's His Holiness that broadens the gap. But in that gap His Grace overflows, swallows me up and wipes all blemish from my heart. I don't understand how He does it, but I desperately plead for the further sanctification of my heart, especially in this area.

This has been one of the bigger surprises I've sensed during my time thinking about this issue.

God wants to bless others with community through the removal of gossip. I think of it like the Facebook effect. I don't have to tell you that I care about you, to creep on your page and feel up-to-date. But what a removal of blessing from someone. If I really care about how someone is doing, what better way to communicate that to them, than by reaching out to them directly, to let them know I am thinking about them, and to love them amidst this crazy life. Getting information second-hand takes away the feeling of being loved and cared for by others for the one being discussed, even when it's non-malicious sharing of information. I want to foster community, even when it's time consuming.

I know I've probably sounded like I'm coming down hard on myself. I'm really not. This is an attempt at self-processing, vulnerability and (possibly) admonition to you depending where you find yourself with this issue.
If you're a close friend of mine, will you unite with me in my struggle? Help my conversations with you to be deep and meaningful, but devoid of information regarding others, where it doesn't affect you. If I say “I shouldn't say this, but....” Tell me not to say it.

Maybe soon I'll be at a place where I can just say, “I shouldn't say.” And then maybe I'll be able to say, “I'm not sure, you should ask them.”

I'm not there. I want to be. It really stinks to be at a place where you have awareness devoid of self-control. But I'm working at it. I'm 30 now. I've got a problem with gossip. I don't want to be 40 and have the same problem.

Thanks for reading and caring. Any thoughts to add??